So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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