Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
