I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
