It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
