he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
