and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
