the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Text me some of your sweat
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
