and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
