i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
