I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
