I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
