I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
