I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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