When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
