The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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