She announced her abortion via fbk
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
