When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
