I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
