is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
