oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
