she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Found the puke drawer
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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