I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
