haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
