absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
