Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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