I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
