i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
