I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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