The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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