Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
