When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
