I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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