I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
