Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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