Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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