I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
