Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Dicks are not precious.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
