upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
