it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize