Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just pynch a tree in the face
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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