after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
