Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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