How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
