Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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