I can't watch pbs sober anymore
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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