then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
