Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
