I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
