Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
