my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
