Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
