The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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