I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
