i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
