Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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